


the science of standing by

by heavymetalqueen



Series: Cor Cordium [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, also idk how paths works i made it up, eruri reunion when, i guess, isayama i hate you, sadness but the good kind, this piece stressed me tf out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29938395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavymetalqueen/pseuds/heavymetalqueen
Summary: Erwin watches over Levi from Paths. he is also Going Through It™️
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Series: Cor Cordium [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177250
Comments: 12
Kudos: 17





	the science of standing by

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my annoying sister Mari, who has kept me going when i was so close to giving up on this piece. thank you for proving that a bit of crappy work is still good progress. it's better than no work at all. love you x

You asked me, once, what I would do once my dream was fulfilled. I paused and stared at you, confused. I knew, even then, that I would never live to see whatever lay beyond the walls. I had long ago accepted that fact. All my life, I had been demonized for my curiosity. I had no evidence that it amounted to any good, and I had to bear the heaviest of penances for what they called my sin, as you very well know. It was, after all, the loftiest and most dangerous of pursuits in the face of people’s comfort and privilege.  
When I didn’t answer your question right away, you stepped in and told me what you yourself dreamt of: opening a tea shop. I could see in your eyes that you were waiting to be ridiculed or condescended against for the quiet lifestyle of a tea shop owner. Instead, you found someone who understood. We had the weight of the entire world on our shoulders. It had been this way for years now. We were constantly being crucified for the wrongdoings of centuries past. It was no wonder that all we could dream of was a bit of peace and anonymity.  
In that moment, to hear you speak with such confidence about your dream, unassuming though it was, …the briefest flash of hope passed my view. It faded quickly, but I know it was there. The sudden increase in my heart rate and the speed with which my thoughts passed through my mind were a testament to that.  
I had never had a dream beyond the one that consumed me: it burned me and stoked me in equal measure. As such, I had always assumed I would be in ashes long before humanity was freed, and I was right. I had accepted it long ago, along with many other things besides.  
But what I did not expect was the frustration that I carry around with me now. It outweighs even the guilt I felt while I was alive, as much as it shames me to say it. But in my defense, let me say that our many comrades who gave their lives for the cause, under my orders, are standing alongside me now. I have talked to each of them at least once, to let them know that their efforts were worthwhile. Through this, I finally lived out the last speech I gave, reminding them that the sacrifices they made were given a renewed meaning in the living who went on fighting. It was a humbling place from which to view the situation, and it was a relief as well. I knew, then, that each soldier I’d spoken to had chosen the right path. For all of the difficulties and the death that we faced on a daily basis, we had done right by humanity. We did what we could, and that was enough. At least, that is what I told them, even as a part of me—a potent mixture of jealousy, regret, and helplessness—told me otherwise.

That is one of, if not the most difficult aspect of life in Paths. The mechanics of this place are strange. We can hear you all clearly, especially if you raise your voice, but we can only see you if we channel all of our energy into focusing on your world. To make a visit, to wander around the place we lost, requires an even greater amount of energy on our parts. And with that intense focus comes significant levels of fatigue. Miche promised that my attempts would become less strenuous over time, but I think he was only trying to make me feel better, as I am only left exhausted and angry.  
Yes, angry. But I am not angry with you, because I understand why you made your choice. In some ways, you did not choose me, but in the ways that counted, you did. You did the agonizing but brave thing in letting me go. If I had been in your situation, I am not sure I would have had the fortitude and compassion you had in making that decision. So for that, I will always commend you. I will always be grateful for your instinctive ability to make the choice with no regrets. Still, I cannot imagine the pain you went through. For me, at least, it was, and still is, pure agony. Being without you, even years down the line, feels as though I am ripping my heart out and sewing it back in, only for the process to repeat itself the next day.  
So here I am, wishing you were beside me and simultaneously being glad that you are still fighting. It’s a constant battle between the selfish desire and the selfless one. Actually, no. At this point, I can hardly even tell you what desire would fit into either category.  
But I still want you to be here, even if that makes me a selfish bastard. I want you to have a chaotic but lovely breakfast in the clearing with us: Miche, Nanaba, Hange, Moblit, Furlan, Isabel, and myself. I want to go traipsing through the forest with you. I want to see how you interact with your mother, and with Kenny and Uri (who, admirably, has managed to soften your uncle’s rough edges quite a bit). I want us to lie under the stars together, neither of us having to look over our shoulder for Titans and humans alike.  
But I also want you to have your tea shop. I want you to live that quiet, domestic life that you crave for, that you deserve. Oh, Levi. It is the least that this cruel universe could give you, to live your life as you please.  
In the end, it was not a decision for me to make, but I still had the audacity to assume I would have some sort of say in it. It was preposterous. I know that. And I know that you would hate it, if you found out that I did plead our case to the Fates, those emissaries of the goddesses. But they would not listen. They told me to be patient and to watch. Having no choice in the matter, I did.

* * *

As I mentioned earlier, the mechanics of Paths are such that it is difficult for us to see but easy to hear what is going on down below. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that your world (how long have I been here that I say it with such great emotional distance?) is interwoven with ours now. We are simply separated by the thinnest of glasses, or cloths, or spaces. Whichever you prefer. It is incredibly frustrating, to tell you the truth. But it has also given the three times I was able to focus completely on what was going on in the world much more poignant and vibrant in my mind. 

The first time I successfully focused, as I have taken to calling it, it was late in the Rumbling. After years of hearing you cling to the vow you made, you were finally able to deal the killing blow. I had been watching the scene unfold carefully, torn between my pride at your ability to finish what you started and my concern for your wellbeing. You had sustained such severe injuries that it was a miracle you were even alive by then, all the more able to deliver such a devastating slice.  
But it was the look on your face that really stood out to me, because it was something that I had not seen for some time. It was that all-too-familiar mixture of despair and relief, so raw I could nearly taste it. Finally, the additional weight of this godforsaken vow could be taken off your weary shoulders. Yet—or so you thought, knowing you—in the process, you had lost your most tangible connection to me and the bond we shared. But I promise that I was there, watching over you. I was there, standing by your side as you landed on the ground and the world seemed to go completely still. The possibility of being disappointed that you fulfilled the vow four years later had never even occurred to me. I just wanted you to be safe. 

Hange approached me later. They had an uncharacteristically serious expression on their face, which made my hackles rise quite a bit in defense. If Hange is being serious, I have learned, you’d better prepare yourself for some news that would be hard to swallow.  
“Are you happy now, Erwin?”  
The frustration was evident in their tone, but I understood where Hange was coming from. They had been embroiled in the drama that I had left behind for them to handle, and it caused a strain on our relationship, to the point that things never quite mended, despite my many efforts to apologize.  
“Can I be brutally honest, Hange?”  
“When aren’t you?”  
“When it is strategically better to be purposefully vague.”  
“Very funny. This is not one of those times. Go ahead.”  
“Well…no.”  
“I see.”  
“I didn’t ask him to make that vow, Hange.”  
“But he did it anyway, whether you asked him to or not.”  
“I know that. And now, it seems like he doesn’t have anything to live for anymore.”  
At that, Hange turned to me, their face full of unrestrained anger.  
“Don’t you dare say that to my face, Erwin Smith. Levi has done nothing but make insane sacrifices for you, yes, but for humanity, too. So you, of all people, cannot disrespect him by telling me that he has nothing to live for anymore. He’s gone through all kinds of horrible things. But guess what? He’s overcome them. So do not stand there and disrespect his strength like that. And don’t disrespect me by implying that the vow he made was the only thing we were working towards, because it was not.”  
“I’m sorry, Hange. Truly, I am. It wasn’t my intention to belittle him or downplay the sacrifices that he has made, nor the ones that you have made on behalf of humanity. But I understand that it sounded that way. And for that, I sincerely apologize. It was incredibly selfish of me to want him here when he only deserves a peaceful life there. And it was unfair to you to imply that my personal goals were the only priority of the Alliance, when that was hardly the case. I’m grateful for all of your valuable work in pushing the cause forward, but I’m still sorry to have placed the burden on you for so long.”  
We sat in silence for a while before Hange broke it again, with a more resigned tone to their voice.  
“I won’t apologize for being angry, but I’m glad you know why I reacted the way I did.”  
“I understand why you’re angry. You have every right to be.”  
Hange sighed. “I know you miss him, Erwin. I’m sure he misses you, too. But this is how things are. We just have to wait and see what happens, I guess.”  
“I know, and I appreciate you telling me things in a straightforward way.”  
“Of course. Who else would?”  
“Fair point.”  
“Now, will you be joining us for dinner, or are you going to keep stewing like a lovesick teenager?”  
“I’m not—”  
“Your denial is just proving my point. Let’s go.”  
With that excruciating conversation out of the way, Hange pulled me by the hand and led me to the clearing, where Miche and Nanaba had made yet another delicious meal for us all to enjoy.

* * *

The second time I was able to focus was when you officially opened your tea shop. My ears had perked up at your discussions of buying the property, and your inevitable gripe about how dusty everything was, but I decided to conserve my energy for the grand opening. Knowing you, you would (and did) only invite those who were left—Mikasa and Armin, Connie and Jean—and you would (and did) complain about everyone else who stumbled upon the shop. It was a pleasant surprise to see how many people indeed arrived. They filled the shop with grins and laughter. None of us who were watching had seen or heard so much pure, unadulterated joy in a while, so you can imagine the cheering that went on from here. Kuchel and Isabel, in particular, were whooping quite loudly.  
“GO, GO, GO ANIKI!” Isabel yelled.  
“Congratulations, Levi!” Kuchel had procured a bottle of champagne from somewhere and was spraying it all over Isabel, who was twirling around in total delight, and Furlan, who seemed much less pleased with the turn of events.  
I simply stood there, smiling, as you wiped down the counters for the tenth time. You were nervous, but you had no reason to be. You were doing incredibly well for your first day, especially for an establishment that opened just as the war ended.  
“Why don’t you go pay a visit?” Furlan asked me, once the shop had closed and the sun was beginning to set.  
“Should I? I’m sure he just wants to rest after a long day.”  
“He won’t know. And besides, it might be good for you to get some closure.”  
I understood what he meant, that my moping about was incredibly obvious, but it stung anyway. He made it sound as though you would never join us up here. But for someone who had spent nearly two decades here, it must really seem like forever to him. So, I simply nodded and went on my way. 

There is something I forgot to mention about Paths, and it is this. With great collective effort, this portal of sorts becomes easier to hold open. The more people we are, the easier it is for us to see things clearly and even mingle, if we so choose. That day, not everyone had gone to see Levi open the tea shop, preferring to hear the story from the others. I pulled a couple of strings and asked those who had not spent their efforts yet to help me with my own portal. It took quite a bit of negotiating and promises that I would do the same to them when the time came, but eventually I gathered enough people to help build a stable connection. 

“You have an hour. That’s as long as we can hold down the fort for,” Miche told me.  
“Thank you, Miche. If you ever need to make a visit, let me know and I’ll do the same for you.”  
Miche simply gave me a wistful smile. “I have everything I need right here.” In response, Nanaba only shoved him, but blushed anyway. It hurt a bit to see, honestly. But I gave the most convincing smile I could before stepping into the tea shop. 

When I entered, the shop was dark and all the chairs were stacked on top of the tables. The floors and the counter were, of course, gleaming, after you had wiped them down for the final time that day. I found you in the kitchen, having dinner alone. You looked more tired than ever, but there was a peacefulness on your face as well. I knew, then, that the Fates had made the right decision to let you live for however long suited their fancy. 

“Are you here, Erwin?” He asked, startling me out of my reverie. I was at a loss for words.  
“Tch. Probably not. Well, wherever you are, old man, I hope you’re proud of me. I actually opened up a tea shop and managed not to kill anyone on the first day.”  
_I am so terribly proud of you,_ I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out. _You deserve this peace._  
“The brats were here this morning, just to congratulate me. But opening a tea shop is nothing impressive.”  
_It is impressive for us, the soldiers who had the shortest of lifespans and the most impossible of dreams. We never would have imagined that such peace would be possible, but…here you are._  
“I guess it just…would’ve been nice if you were here.”  
_Coming from you, that’s a high compliment, so I’ll take it._  
“It’s stupid, but I can’t fucking stand this silence. I would even take the brats snoring if it meant I didn’t have to face the quiet all alone.”  
_If I could, I would scream myself hoarse so you would know that I am right here, just a few steps away. But I can’t. Paths has its limitations._  
You stopped speaking after that, and I simply sat there and watched you eat as I mused over what I would have said if you could have heard me.  
_In any case,_ I thought, _allow me to ramble on for the time I have left. Do you remember that last dinner? There was nothing special about it, at least not to anyone else. We were just having rations. And we were both stewing in our anger, you especially because you had just found out what my dream truly meant to me.  
Even then, I knew somehow that it would be the last time we would have such a quiet moment together. That’s what I remember about our lives: how rare silence was. We prized it above all, guarded it closely. It was the only reminder that we could have lived normal lives in another world. A world where we would not have to make such desperate sacrifices with so much frequency. A world where basking in such silence would have been the standard, and not the exception.  
If this were a competition, I must say, Levi, your dream would win. It was and still is noble and honest and good, everything that my dream and I could never be. I was—and in many ways, still am—incredibly selfish. The fact that I am even here is a clear example of that. But I could not leave you alone on such a momentous occasion. You should know that the cheering echoed through the entire dimension when you opened the doors to your first customer. We could not have been happier for you if we had lined up at the counter ourselves._  
Finally, you finished your meal and prepared to leave the kitchen in darkness, but not before one last look over everything that you have come to accomplish for yourself.  
“I miss you,” you said, and though you think no one was there to hear, I could hear my own heart breaking in two.  
_I miss you, too,_ I said in response, even though you are not there to hear it, even though I was left alone in the darkness.

* * *

The most recent time that I have been able to focus totally was yesterday, after years of simply listening to your voice.  
You might be wondering why it took me so long. There were many times I had wanted to visit, particularly around your birthday, as it occurred in the dead of winter. I hated watching you eat your meals alone in the cold, like it was just any ordinary day. But what stopped me from making a visit was a conversation I had with your mother shortly after you opened your tea shop in town. 

Kuchel came to visit me when I was out in the garden late one night. It was right in the middle of a muggy summer—unfortunately, the weather patterns of the world I left behind seem to have carried over here—when she sat beside me on the steps.  
“So, I hear you meant quite a bit to my son,” she said in lieu of a greeting.  
I tensed a bit, wondering whether she would pass judgment on what I could not deny.  
“Good evening to you, too, Kuchel,” I said, trying to get my bearing on the situation.  
“You’re not denying it.”  
“I cannot speak for Levi, but I have always held him in the highest regard.”  
“Tch.” So that’s where you got it. “Are you filling out a report? No. You’re talking to me about my son. Humanity’s strongest, yes, but he’s still my son. The person everyone says you love most in the world. So cut the bullshit.” Ah. So that’s where you got your penchant for swearing as well. The thought made me smile a bit.  
I cleared my throat. “Yes, I loved him. I still do.”  
She nodded, as though she expected as much, before lighting a cigarette. “I see. You’re waiting for him to join us, aren’t you? Is that why you keep visiting him?”  
“Yes. I like to still keep an eye on things, and make sure he’s doing well.”  
“He would hate that.”  
“Excuse me?”  
She took a drag. “You heard me. Levi would absolutely throttle you if he knew how often you were going down to check on him.”  
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so she continued.  
“You might be thinking, ‘yeah, she’s Levi’s mom, but she wasn’t there for him when he was growing up and she sure as hell wasn’t there for him when he joined the Corps.’”  
“No, Kuchel, that’s not what I—”  
Kuchel waved a hand to silence me, so I simply sat there and listened closely.  
“But I know my brother. I’ve known him my whole life and then some.” She scoffed. “And he raised Levi. So, I know that Levi would want you to just…be here. With us. Get to know us, too. Who knows how long Levi’s got left in his life? And besides, we’re spending the goddamned afterlife together, after all. It wouldn’t hurt.”  
“I suppose you’re right. Maybe I have been spending too much time below. But there was always something that I felt like I needed to return for. First, it was the absolutely horrendous state I left the world in. Now, it’s how Levi’s adjusting to a new part of his life. I thought…” I hesitated at the thought of revealing such a ridiculous, vulnerable part of me to your mother, but I kept going anyway. “That being there would help, somehow.”  
“Help you, or him?”  
_Is this what Paths is going to be like for me, forever?_ I wondered. _Just people asking difficult yet understandable questions that I cannot answer without looking like a bumbling idiot?_ I suppose so, at least until you arrive and can fend off such questions from all sides. I imagined you successfully holding everyone off, despite the fact that they tower over you, and it made me laugh a bit.  
“Me, I suppose.”  
Kuchel smiled then. “Now, we’ve gotten somewhere.”  
“You’ve backed me into a corner, Kuchel. If we’ve gotten anywhere, it’s because you led us here.” The words left my mouth without a second’s thought, and it surprised even me. I hadn’t been this openly insubordinate to anyone I respected or feared in quite a while. I’m sure you would have laughed to know how much your mother scared me.  
Kuchel simply shrugged and put out her cigarette on the step.  
“You love my son, right?”  
“Yes. With all my heart.” I paused and twisted her words from earlier, taking them for my own. “And then some.”  
“Good. I knew that, but it’s always good to hear it again.”  
I nodded, wondering where she was going with this.  
“Do you trust him?”  
“Of course, I trust him. I trust him more than anyone I’ve ever met.”  
“Do you respect him?”  
“Without a doubt. I don’t think we would be having this conversation otherwise.”  
“You’re quite right on that. I would’ve chased you off the porch with a broom. But I haven’t. So. If you trust and respect my son already, don’t you think you could…trust and respect him more?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Look, Erwin. You’re a control freak.”  
I spluttered in protest.  
“I mean that in the best possible way, because it got you to the top of the Corps. But you’re in Paths now. Things are different. You’re just going to have to trust Levi with the rest of the world you left behind. You’re just going to have to respect him as your equal, once and for all. He can make it on his own.”  
I nodded, trying to process everything that Kuchel has just thrown my way. It made perfect sense, and though her comment about my controlling (read: cautious and certainly not paranoid) nature struck a chord, I saw where she was coming from.  
“You know what, Kuchel? I think you’re quite right.”  
She lifted her nose in the air and gave me a disinterested side-eye glance that was so familiar it made my heart ache.  
“Of course, I am. Don’t ever doubt it.”

* * *

As I said earlier, I let a few years pass by before I finally decided to visit for the last time. When I arrived this time, I simply watched as you water your lily plants.  
“The brats are coming today,” was all you said.  
I know. It’s amazing to see how much they’ve grown up over the years. 

Later, I stood nearby as you settled in at their table. I was particularly pleased to see Armin, who I’ve been told has spent most of his time in the capital, reading the old fragments and forming a history out of them. I would have loved to be there beside him, putting the puzzle pieces together. One of these days, I thought, I would have to make a visit to him myself. 

I got so distracted by the thoughts of what I could uncover, even from just peering over his shoulder, that I almost couldn’t catch up to you when you left the tea shop. It was a good thing that I knew where you’re going. 

When you arrived at the graveyard, I could feel my energy levels, which had been steadily decreasing, reach their maximum capacity. Interesting. I suppose that being near my remains, in a rather ironic way, was giving me the closest thing to life. 

“You would’ve known what to say to them,” you said after a moment of silence. “You would’ve listened to all the stories they have about the capital, about the soldiers and the books too. You would’ve laughed with them.”  
Perhaps that is true. But your presence gives them strength. It reminds them of how far they have come and how much they have sacrificed for this better life. Don’t doubt that in your own way, you have given them what they need to keep going.  
“I didn’t mean to be an asshole. It’s just that some days are worse than others.”  
I understand.  
There was a bit of hesitation before you said, “They have each other, you know, and I don’t really have anyone. I’m glad they come by sometimes, and Gabi helps out with the shop, but I go upstairs to total silence, and—”  
But before you could finish that thought, Mikasa arrived. I left you two to talk and decided to bring my full attention back to Paths for the time being.

* * *

Isabel has come by room twice already, pounding on the door in her (endearingly) incessant way as a reminder that dinner will be served soon. But before I go and join the New Year festivities, Levi, I wanted to apologize to you. By making so many visits and focusing on what you were doing, I was trying to get you to heal, and thrive, not at your own pace but according to mine. And for that, I am deeply ashamed. I am so sorry, Levi. I know that you would be upset with me for even thinking this way, but I simply can’t help it. I am a selfish, heartbroken person, and the combination is truly lethal.  
I have decided to follow the advice your mother gave. I will not return to visit you, and I will minimize the focusing as much as possible. It is the only gift that I can give you now, this ability to live your life freely and without the cold breath of yet another ghost on the back of your neck. You have the brightest of futures ahead of you. It may not be glorious and flashy; it may not be what the world expected from you. But it is yours to claim, and that is what matters. 

I am a decade into my stay in Paths, now. I can finally say with full honesty that I can rest, and wait for you, somewhat patiently. There is more room for contentment in my soul to know that you are still alive and well, healthy and safe. To know that is to see the value in every sacrifice, every hardship, every heartache I have experienced in my life. I would go through it all again, if it meant giving you this opportunity to find peace and stillness.  
I still feel that the world can be unbearable in its cruelty, especially in separating us for this long. But I no longer worry about it so much, because I know where to look if I want to see only the beautiful moments that this life, this interweaving of dimensions, has to offer. I just have to remember that the person I love most, whose existence anchors me in a way that my dream never did, is sipping tea, setting out pastries, and wiping down a counter for the millionth time. And then all is well.

**Author's Note:**

> the Night Vale quote that got me through the writing process: "The desert seems vast, even endless. And yet, scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow."


End file.
